How to Apply Rupture and Repair Therapy as a Leader

The concept of “rupture and repair” is widely used in the fields of social work and community services. It has origins in attachment theory founded by John Bowlby (1958) and is well known in therapeutic disciplines such as psychology, psychiatry, and contemporary trauma-informed practice disciplines such as neurobiology. It is also something you can adapt to your leadership practice with great benefit.

In simple terms, “rupture and repair” is about breaking, fixing, and improving relationships. Specifically, it is about a breach or disconnect in a relationship followed by the restoration and positive continuation of that relationship.

My experience with rupture and repair comes from my work with children and young people with trauma/abuse histories. The majority of this population has been betrayed by their loved ones, and as a result, they have ongoing trouble forming attachments and building trust. By using the rupture and repair approach as a way to promote healthy conflict resolution, we could assist in their healing by showing them that they are safe and appropriate people in the world with whom they can communicate openly.

From a leadership perspective, this approach can be invaluable. Conflict in the workplace is inevitable. If a leader reaches across the divide to help reconnect their employees after a conflict, it can improve and strengthen relationships across the team.

How Professional Relationships Can Break Down

Let’s say you have received an email from a staff member. They are unhappy with a work policy and demand to know what you plan to do about it. Imagine that the employee’s tone is blunt to the point of aggression and very accusatory, attacking your abilities and competence as a leader. 

You may be tempted to match the employee’s tone by going on the defensive, matching their aggression with your own in an attempt to shut them down or “be right.” If you are experiencing additional stress in other areas (such as a looming deadline or a sick family member), that might further fuel your ire. The moment you hit Send, however, you have created a rupture in that professional relationship.

Repairing Professional Relationships as a Leader

Regardless of who is “right,” it is your responsibility as a leader to fix the situation.

To start the repairing process, take the following action:

1. Reach out to your employee and apologize. Do not make excuses or try to justify your actions. What matters is that your poor communication caused the rupture. Ideally, you should do this as soon as possible after the rupture. However, make sure you fully acknowledge and accept your responsibility for the situation before you reach out. If there’s a chance you will return to a defensive posture, it might be better to wait.
2. Let them know how much you value their contributions. This whole thing started because this employee was trying to bring a potentially problematic issue to your attention. That kind of proactiveness and concern is what makes them a great team member.
3. Listen. Whether they need to vent further about the initial problem or they want to talk about how the rupture has made them feel, give them plenty of space to speak freely. They may say some things that are hard for you to hear, but hear them you must. It is your job as a leader to accept those critiques instead of thinking up ways to defend your behavior.
4. Assure them that you will address their initial concern as soon as possible. You might even consider asking them to assist you, giving them an even greater sense of ownership and input over the resolution.
5. Follow through. If you’ve told them you would have an answer for them by the end of the day, do it.

By addressing ruptures quickly with a desire to fix what is broken (instead of a need to win), you are more likely to come out of the situation with a stronger professional relationship than you had before the rupture. 

Learning From Ruptures

At  Eighth Mile Consulting, we believe that mistakes are opportunities for reflection and improvement. Next time you experience a rupture, spend the extra ten minutes repairing things regardless of who you think was at fault. More than likely, you will both come away with a greater sense of trust and support. This could translate into improved performance and productivity down the road.

We also know that accountability and accepting critique doesn’t always come naturally–it takes training. If you’re looking for a straightforward lesson on how to face your mistakes head-on, explore our 8-week online personal development and leadership program or contact us for personalized coaching.

Mitchell Burney

Guest writer and member of The Eighth Mile Community